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I read today...

09.26.07 (8:56 pm) [edit]

I read today that "depression is anger turned inward". I don't know if this is entirely true. I believe it could be partly true. I do know that losing my puppy, Freckles, has set me on a downward spiral. Could it be that depression is anger and fear and guilt stuffed so long and so tight that it makes your heart want to explode. I think so. I went to a meditation class on Saturday with a friend. I have reached out to others to "talk it out". I wrote a letter to the owner and his wife (btw, I have had no response as of yet)...I know that losing a dog is not the worst thing, but I believe it is a trigger for me for a lot of emotions that I tend to stuff. I wish I could figure out how to unleash the feelings, but then again, perhaps I am afraid to unleash them, fearing they may be a fire-breathing dragon that could not be brought back under control. I sometimes wish that I didn't have to live this life out all by myself and I am having a lot of trouble trusting this new man'o'mine...is he worthy of trust...I guess it remains to be seen. I wish my life hadn't turned out quite the way it has and I wish I could figure out exactly how to stop beating myself up for it.

a letter to the owner of the vet

09.16.07 (11:46 pm) [edit]

after days of grieving for my little freckles, so sad that i can hardly breathe, i wrote the owner and his wife about my experience...after reading this, do you think that i am over-reacting? (names have been changed to protect the innocent) dear dr.xxxx and his wife, i wanted to write because i feel extremely disappointed in the staff at your pet care center of xxxxx. on september 12, 2007, i brought my dog, freckles. in. i was very concerned because apparently her recent diagnosis of diabetes had ravaged her eyes. the condition of her eyes was operable, but she still would have been blind. i felt that if the diabetes had done such damage to her eyes so quickly (she was diagnosed in june) that her other organs were probably not safe. i had to make the ultimate choice for my friend/dog. i was asked if i wanted to be present. i was told i could stay with her as long as i wanted. i was not offered options, ie cremation . when i finally came out of the room, i told a young woman i would like to take freckles home. she just looked at me and said "do you need a blanket?" i took her offer, wrapped up freckles and started toward the door. the same girl said "do you need help?" but by then i was so upset and so disappointed, i refused her help. i had to struggle to get out the door and unlock my vehicle, carrying the little love of my life! i have, sadly, had to euthanise other pets. i was never left to my own resourses in such a terrible time. my pets were taken by the staff, wrapped up and brought back to me. never did anyone inquire if i needed assistance, it was always given without question. they even made a paw imprint of my 17 year old black lab. dr. nice lady has always taken such good care of us. dr. nice man even called and talked to me on the phone when freckles was first diagnosed. the follow up appointment dr.nice man recommended was made by a call to the pet care center for a saturday, yet the staff neglected to tell me i would have to go to the xoxox office! i stood at the locked door of the center and called to find out i was supposed to be in another town and I was embarrassed ...i was late but the other staff was gracious. dr.'s xxxxx and wife, i know that euthanising a pet is a very emotional time, but i can't help but feel so terribly let down by the staff at the pet care center and i just wanted you to know. i am not a mean woman and i think the world of you and your lovely wife. you one time came to care for my daughter's goat at our home and that told me volumes about you both! i just think that a little compassion goes a very long way. i feel terrible about my little dog and the awful decision that i had to make. it might not be so terrible if there had been a bit more compassion shown to her and to me. i sincerly hope that you will take this note as it is meant, an opportunity to address with your staff at the pet care center how you want the patients and the furry kid parents to be treated. i guess in the future, i will drive the extra miles to find dr. nice lady. i appreciate your time and hope this information can be useful. very truly yours.

a timely message for me from God

09.15.07 (12:44 pm) [edit]

When you are thrown for a loop, let the loop be short-lived. What occurs in life does not have to become your preoccupation. When life falls short, right yourself. When you are stunned, recover. What else is there for you to do? That which you see as dire in life, becomes less dire as life furthers itself. What seems monumental becomes less monumental. What was so terrible later isn't so terrible as you thought. What seemed terrific, also loses its glamour. Time makes both upheaval and glory less. Your state of consciousness makes everything that happens in the world less significant. Let fade what will fade, for fade it must while you in your brightness stay facing the sun-filled sky by day and the starlit sky by night. What is constant is constant. What is not constant is not. It never was. You are made of mightier stuff than flimsy. You are your own light too. Under all circumstances, you can radiate. Even through rough waters, you can steer the prow of your ship, and you will meet the still waters that inevitably wait for you over the horizon. The world and its events are not your rudder, beloveds. When life veers, it's not necessary for you to be thrown off course. You can stay on course. You can go steadily ahead. You can sail the mighty main. You can hold your heart steadfast no matter what wind blows. If you have thought of yourself as weak in the face of storms, now think of yourself as strong. You can have the same equilibrium in storm and in lull. You do not wait for the other shoe to fall, and if it does, you don't need to be stopped by it. You need to keep going forward regardless. You will go forward sooner or later. I suggest sooner. Whatever life throws at you, it is for you to bounce back. It is not required that anything bruise you in the first place. When you do not feel assailed by life, what is there for you to recover from? Neither sleet nor rain is to delay you from your task. Your task in life is to be hearty the way sailors are on the sea. Be like a pirate in fortitude. A pirate's spirit is not dampened by a black patch over his eye. And when the timbers are shaken, he nevertheless swings on the mast. You have all kinds of reasons why life is hard and why you think you must be disheveled by its occurrences. But what if you didn't have to be disheveled? What if you were not dampened no matter what the weather? What if there is more to you than the eye can see? What if you come from hardy stock? What if you are supremely strong? When you can let go of what you see as proper, when you can let go of how you believe life has to be, how much will you tremble? Even an earthquake will not destroy your balance. Before, during, and after an earthquake, you are still you. I do not say for you to be stoic. I say you are strong. I do not say you are to be stiff like an iron bar. I say you are to bounce, beloveds. I say, be like a bouncing ball that reaches high into the sky and bounces back on earth. A ball has the idea that bouncing is what it is to do. And you, too, beloveds, embrace the idea that you are to reach high into the sky and bounce back on Earth and bounce high again, and not mind.

Freckles

09.13.07 (6:49 am) [edit]

In Loving Memory... "Freckles the Wreckles" October 31, 1999 - September 12, 2007 I love you, my happy pup! xoxoxo

grateful

09.02.07 (8:51 am) [edit]

i am grateful that april is feeling better and is back up to speed. this particular setback made me totally and completely heartsick! when she does well, i do well. i took a month off from my second job. i got a lot done and some much needed rest. i am back to working 6 days a week and i am already behind in my household chores and i am tired! i wish i had not been so stupid and messed my life up so badly! but that bell can't be unrung and i am pleased to announce that i saved up enough to pay my homeowner's insurance and property taxes (not escrowed in my mortgage at this point) and i had enough for a huge repair bill and new tires for my truck! it has been difficult to be so frugal, but well worth not living in fear! i feel very accomplished. yesterday, i came home from working all day to find my lawn freshly mowed! my new fella has not been perfect and we have had a few obstacles to overcome, but he seems to really listen to me. he decided to come over and mow (and let the puppies out) while i was working, noting how tired i was the day before. what a lovely gesture. things like this, these days, mean more to me than words can express! thank you, bf! now, on to my rare two days in a row days off! yeah! xoxoxo

How to be happy!

09.01.07 (6:36 pm) [edit]

HEAVEN #2472 How to Be Happy, September 1, 2007 God said: When you get your wishes fulfilled, be happy. When you don't get your wishes fulfilled, be happy. Be happy regardless. Be happy no matter what. This is a choice that is yours to make. Make the choice you like. Let's order happiness. Or, at least, do not order unhappiness. Heretofore, you have told yourself that certain aspects of relative life will make you happy, and certain other events won't. It is irresponsible to leave the state of your happiness to outward events. Outward events are not to set the tone for your life. Surely you are not someone whose life is to echo another's tune. You are not a rower on a galley ship who must follow the beat of the gong. Certainly, there are aspects of life that you prefer to others. Who wouldn't? But that doesn't mean you have to accept a sense of misery. Is it not possible that you do not have to feel ravaged by what occurs? You know right now that both happiness and unhappiness of the world-at-large fade. You don't stay deliriously happy forever anymore than you stay direly unhappy forever. When you depend upon the world for happiness, whatever peak of happiness you may be at, you will step down. No matter how deep and awful a pit you may fall into, sooner or later you climb your way out. You can be independent of what occurs. Nothing in the relative world is permanent. Kingdoms are not. Statues are not. Fame is not, and what is fame anyway? Take happiness instead, and keep it to you. There is enough happiness to go around. Happiness, like your life, is not for you alone. You are a perpetrator of your life. Your life is like a huge tray of selected foods you offer those around you. Your life affects everyone's life. Make your life a demonstration of love. Love through thick and thin. Love your life. Accept happiness. Accept your own value. Beloveds, what if every single person on the Planet Earth, every man, woman, and child let himself be solidly happy for even five minutes? What wonders would you see? Make a date in your heart tomorrow to be happy at the stroke of noon. Give five minutes to being happy. If you happen to feel unhappy, all you have to do is to think of what happiness feels like, and feel it. Go ahead and think of what would make you happy, and be happy in your thought. The whole story lies within your thoughts. Thoughts are key to your feelings. Your thoughts lead the orchestra of your feelings. There is a recipe for happiness. Thoughts lead to feelings. That's the recipe. You give great input to the story of your life. If someone leads a happy life, he did it. If someone leads an unhappy life, he did it. Somewhere along the line, he took a certain road. He chose either the road called, "Why not be happy?" or he chose the road called, "You have good cause to be unhappy." You have every right to be happy, and no right to be unhappy. Too often, you have thought it was the reverse, that you had every reason to be unhappy. Never mind about reasons. Don't justify your unhappiness. If you must justify something, justify being happy. Unhappiness is a lot like selfishness. Too much attention on yourself and what you need and how you feel about it. When you feel unhappy, have your cry and go on with your life. You have paid enough attention to dirges and ego. So what, your ego has had its feathers ruffled. So what, your ego feels discounted. Enough of ego. Now you, beloved, now you lead the way.

Dusting

09.01.07 (7:34 am) [edit]

Dusting "A house becomes a home when you can write "I love you" on the furniture." AMEN !! And my house is sure a home!! I can't tell you how many countless hours That I have spent CLEANING! I used to spend at least 8 hours every weekend Making sure things were just perfect -- "in case someone came over." Then I realized one day that no-one came over; They were all out living life and having fun! Now, when people visit, I find no need to Explain the "condition" of my home. They are more interested in hearing about The things I've been doing while I was Away living life and having fun. If you haven't figured this out yet, Please heed this advice. Life is short. Enjoy it! Dust if you must, But wouldn't it be better to Paint a picture or write a letter, Or do some Bible study, Spend time with a friend Bake a cake or Plant a seed, go play golf, Ponder the difference between want and need? Dust if you must, but there's not much time, With rivers to swim and mountains to climb, Music to hear, songs to sing and books to read, Friends to cherish and life to lead Dust if you must, but the world's out There with the sun in your eyes, The wind in your hair, a flutter of snow, A shower of rain. This day will not come around again. Dust if you must, but bear in mind, Old age will come and it's not kind. And when you go -- and go you must -- You, yourself will make more dust!